Love You More

Two years ago, my New Years Resolution was to get my body back.

One year ago, I said screw Resolutions and bring on Life Changes...starting with getting my body back.

Today, I'm sitting here heavier than one year ago, and deciding that instead of being unhappy with myself and wanting to change, I'm going to love myself and use that to fuel a healthier life.

My number is 172.6. Exactly 2.6 pounds heavier than I was at 42 weeks pregnant with my first daughter. My back aches worse than it ever has. I'm more tired than I've ever felt. I'm lazier than I care to admit. My mind circles around degrading myself for my shortcomings and trying to be more confident in who I am.

I turned 25 in October and that was a bit of a turning point for me. I am half a century old and while that really is not much at all, I can't say that I'm happy with what I've done with myself. My mind is wiser and my heart is happier, but only in the aspects of family. My family is beautiful and complete, but I don't feel like I am the best version of myself. Not only for them but most importantly for me. For a while I lost who I was, or maybe I was just changing and couldn't figure myself out. Now I am a firm believer in the saying, "I am a great many things." I'm seeing that I don't have to define myself or fit into one character of being. I can feel what I feel and believe what I believe and change my mind whenever I want and still be me.

The point for me is not to lose all this weight and feel sexy and beautiful in my own skin. The point is love myself more in all areas of who I am, and while that does include my body and how it looks, it more importantly includes my frame of mind and state of heart and how I think about myself. How I carry myself in front of my girls who look up to me.

I pray to the Universe that I can uphold this, and not let it fade into Resolutions Past. I do view this as a Life Change and know that I have to hold myself accountable for the decisions I make. While I can be a great many things, I must also be consistent.

When I look back on myself in a year, I want to see a different body. A healthier body, with a healthier person inside of it.

Left thigh: 24"
Right thigh: 24"
Left bicep: 12.5"
Right bicep: 12.5"
Hips: 43.5"
Waist: 38"
Bust: 39.75"

For the sometimes readers...

I can't figure out how to change my link. But I blog much more regularly on my Dear Kids link, you can find that at the top of the page, below the adorable picture of my babies <3

6 months old

My sweet Savannah is getting so big!

She can sit up, roll all over, scoot backwards around the house, and get up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth. she is so anxious to crawl! I started her on solids about a month ago, just introducing lightly. She's not a fan of anything so far, though (Bananas, oatmeal, sweet potatoes). she does love to chew on slices of apple!

She loves to play with Big Sister. She just grins wide whenever she's around! She loves when Landon comes over, and wants his attention so badly! He's a typical boy of course, and gets "bored" with her quickly :-) And then Daddy walks in the room and she just LOSES it. I've never seen a bigger Daddy's girl <3

She's pretty people shy. If she doesn't see you regularly, chances are she'll cry if you even try to pick her up, or get too close to her face. She warms up after a little while though!

She still ends up in our bed most nights, but she ditched the swaddle about a month ago and seems to sleep even better without it. Still up 3-4 times to nurse, and every 3 or so hours during the day. Hungry growing girl! No wonder she has such chubby thighs ;-)

Don't worry Savannah, I won't post the picture of your behind. but let me tell you...girl has got a BOOTY! Definitely a Nesler descendent!

Such a sweetheart. I love snuggling her close! She is like a soft marshmallow. My heart just aches with love for this sweet, sweet child <3

Happy Half Year baby girl!!

But we keep the Hope alive

Today, I am hugging my babies. Heaping love onto their little hearts and praying it's enough to carry them in this world. Hoping they grow up seeing the good above the bad, not letting the tragedies they will undoubtedly be faced with cloud their view of beauty.

I know they will likely see more hatred than I saw as a child. More terrorism, on large and small scales. Bullying and disrespect. I pray that they will have the respect to grieve with those who grieve, to help those who need it, to be kind without expecting kindness in return. Most of all, I pray they keep their spirits, and keep hope alive. To know that amidst all that pain and suffering and evil...there is good. There is love, and happiness, and beauty, and we cannot allow it to be overshadowed by those who wish us harm.

My sweet babies. I love you. I pray for you daily. I will do my very best to show you all there is to love in this world, and pray that you can learn to love the ugly, as well.

Slowing Down

Sometimes I forget that I'm only 23. I think I've always been the type to want to hurry up and do all the things I want/love. I met my soulmate at 18, so that was a good start to starting the next chapter of my life. Fast forward 5 years later and we now have 3 beautiful children. Our family is (most likely) complete, and I haven't even reached a quarter century yet. Watching my sweet babies, I am reminded just how fast life goes. Faster than I'd like in some areas. Like the fact that my newest daughter is almost 11 weeks old. Didn't I just grasp her slippery new body to my chest? And what about Nevaeh? Wasn't she just crawling around the living room last week? Landon is starting school in the Fall!

With the completion of my family, the next step in my mind is buying a house. I have been gung-ho about being a homeowner for the past two years, and it is frustrating to concede to waiting another year. I want a home to build our memories in year after year. Not pack up boxes every year and start all over. But God has reminded me, with the help of a poor credit score, to slow down and enjoy being right where I am. Not literally...because this two bedroom townhouse is entirely too small for a family of 5...but with my life and the people in it. Memories don't have to occur in one place. They happen everywhere, and the beautiful thing about it is that you don't need a box to store them in. They go wherever you go, in your heart and in your mind.

There's no way I want to rush through all of this cuteness!

Complete

Life caught me for a while. I had my sweet baby girl, I soaked her up (and still am) and took my time adjusting to the bigger size of my family. I'm still not ready to jump back into blogging (I see a lot of blogging laziness in my future) but that's ok. I've got a pretty awesome reality surrounding me ;-)

End of the line: 38 weeks pregnant

It started with a simple word...

On February 25th 2012, I got confirmation that our family was indeed growing. It had been 6 months of trying; of buying that package because I just couldn't wait for the obvious signs. Of obsessing over pictures of babies, ideas for nurseries, of dreams of my three children running around together. 

I was ecstatic, and couldn't wait for Daddy, Big Brother, and Big Sister to know!

The journey started off beautiful. My hands seemed glued to my belly as I waited for those first precious movements inside me. It was pure bliss just knowing there was a second heartbeat in my body. I was blessed with the same amazing pregnancy that I had had with Nevaeh. A bit of nausea and exhaustion, but no sickness or headaches, or anything unpleasant. I was able to enjoy every sweet minute.

And then we found out...it was a girl! A sweet sister to add to our already perfect family. 

She continued to grow. She thrived through a Pennsylvania camping trip, an energetic toddler, swimming, zoo trips and more. She seemed to be as excited as I was about life, and granted me the energy to do it all! 

Beautiful baby Savannah Evelyn is almost here!

We cannot wait to meet her <3