Love You More

Monday, January 21, 2013

Slowing Down

Sometimes I forget that I'm only 23. I think I've always been the type to want to hurry up and do all the things I want/love. I met my soulmate at 18, so that was a good start to starting the next chapter of my life. Fast forward 5 years later and we now have 3 beautiful children. Our family is (most likely) complete, and I haven't even reached a quarter century yet. Watching my sweet babies, I am reminded just how fast life goes. Faster than I'd like in some areas. Like the fact that my newest daughter is almost 11 weeks old. Didn't I just grasp her slippery new body to my chest? And what about Nevaeh? Wasn't she just crawling around the living room last week? Landon is starting school in the Fall!

With the completion of my family, the next step in my mind is buying a house. I have been gung-ho about being a homeowner for the past two years, and it is frustrating to concede to waiting another year. I want a home to build our memories in year after year. Not pack up boxes every year and start all over. But God has reminded me, with the help of a poor credit score, to slow down and enjoy being right where I am. Not literally...because this two bedroom townhouse is entirely too small for a family of 5...but with my life and the people in it. Memories don't have to occur in one place. They happen everywhere, and the beautiful thing about it is that you don't need a box to store them in. They go wherever you go, in your heart and in your mind.

There's no way I want to rush through all of this cuteness!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Complete

Life caught me for a while. I had my sweet baby girl, I soaked her up (and still am) and took my time adjusting to the bigger size of my family. I'm still not ready to jump back into blogging (I see a lot of blogging laziness in my future) but that's ok. I've got a pretty awesome reality surrounding me ;-)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

End of the line: 38 weeks pregnant

It started with a simple word...

On February 25th 2012, I got confirmation that our family was indeed growing. It had been 6 months of trying; of buying that package because I just couldn't wait for the obvious signs. Of obsessing over pictures of babies, ideas for nurseries, of dreams of my three children running around together.

I was ecstatic, and couldn't wait for Daddy, Big Brother, and Big Sister to know!

The journey started off beautiful. My hands seemed glued to my belly as I waited for those first precious movements inside me. It was pure bliss just knowing there was a second heartbeat in my body. I was blessed with the same amazing pregnancy that I had had with Nevaeh. A bit of nausea and exhaustion, but no sickness or headaches, or anything unpleasant. I was able to enjoy every sweet minute.

And then we found out...it was a girl! A sweet sister to add to our already perfect family.

She continued to grow. She thrived through a Pennsylvania camping trip, an energetic toddler, swimming, zoo trips and more. She seemed to be as excited as I was about life, and granted me the energy to do it all!

Beautiful baby Savannah Evelyn is almost here!

We cannot wait to meet her <3

Monday, October 22, 2012

Gender Stigmas

I suppose it's society and culturing that has given me certain frames of mind. I am accepting of all people from all walks of life, though I still have my opinions. It's never my place to judge, and I wouldn't even if it was. I'm raising my children to know that they can be whoever and whatever they want, and teaching them to strive for the best that they can, but not to be obsessed with being on top or the best.

So when Landon came to me today with this discussion, I found myself baffled at the thoughts and words that automatically came from me. Mike the Knight came on TV, one of Landon's favorite cartoons. He wanted to be a Knight for Halloween, and chose a Princess costume for Nevaeh so they could match (Though his Mom bought him a Ninja costume, so that didn't really work out). Nevaeh proclaimed, "I Mike Knight!" and carried around one of Landon's toy swords. Landon was aghast and told her, "No no! Nevaeh, you can't be a Knight. That's just for boys, and you're a girl. Girls can't be knights." I jumped to her rescue, saying that of course she could be a Knight She could be anything she wanted to be, especially if she was playing pretend and using her imagination. Landon's face scrunched up, and he went back to watching his show.

A little while later Landon came to me holding Nevaeh's princess costume. "BB, can I be a Princess for Halloween?" In the middle of mashing up the meatloaf mix, I tossed over my shoulder, "No Bubba, your sister is going to be the Princess. Girls are Princesses. You can be a Prince though." He got distracted and went off to play, leaving me to think about what I just said.

Girls can be Knights, but boys can't be Princesses. When I think about my kids' futures, I admit I have a general picture in mind. Landon playing football, or baseball or soccer. Playing the drums or guitar. Nevaeh (and baby girl) playing volleyball, softball or swimming. Playing the piano like her Momma did. Not that I will pressure them to play sports, or dance or anything. I picture them all being intelligent, maybe being in the Chess Club or something equally challenging. But when it comes to the gender-specific things, like makeup vs. man stink, football vs. ballerina...I don't picture my kids doing the opposite gender-specific activity. If my daughters came to me one day expressing a desire to be quarterback, I admit that I would initially sit them down and talk long and hard about it. Tell them how difficult it would be, that maybe something a little softer or safer would be better. I wouldn't forbid them, of course, but I wouldn't exactly encourage it either.

Why is that? Why do I feel the need to encourage my kids to do things that society has cultured us to believe is acceptable? It's not wrong to want things for my children, to guide them in the directions I feel will help them thrive. But why would my gut reaction be to discourage them from anything? Why would I dive in with the mindset that girls can't be football players, and boys can't be Princesses? I count my blessings that I am not a close-minded person. That I embrace life the way it comes. But then comes smaller things like this, that can play such an important part in someone's life. Buying a firetruck for Landon and letting Nevaeh play with it, but when Landon starts toting around a pink purse I tell him that is for little girls, and he is a big boy. My gender stigma is definitely more critical towards boys than it is to girls. Perhaps because of the "equality" issue. Makes no sense, because I'm not an outright feminist, nor do I think the issue should be as blown out as it is.

I made myself a goal tonight. I will continue to guide my children how I feel is best, but I will hold my tongue from instilling a gender stigma in their impressionable minds. I can't say I'll buy Landon a princess dress as fast as I would buy Nevaeh a Knight costume, but if he expressed a desire to wear pink I will not deny him that. I am certainly entitled to my ways of thinking, but that doesn't mean I should force my own ideas onto them.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Memory Storage

I wish I could regularly blog, like I used to. I feel like the last 3 years have been a defining, crucial time in my life, and yet I was rarely able to sit myself down, organize my thoughts, and document them. I still remember all of the events, emotions and experiences during that time, luckily. I want to do better at blogging (journaling) because my mother did it, and her journals are some of the most precious items I have left of her. I know some funny and meaningful stories from my childhood because of those journals. Like how my mother was potty training me at 2 years old. One day I told her I wanted to go by myself, and I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door before she could assist me. I was a big girl, I could do it myself. My mom waited outside the door for a good 5 minutes before finally deciding to check on my progress. She opened the door, and there I stood; legs spread, head down, hands clasped in front of me with my index fingers pointing toward the toilet. "What are you doing?" She asked me. I had looked at her with the proudest smile and said, "I pee like brother!" my mom calmly walked out, shut the door, and had a crying fit of laughter! She then came back in and explained the difference between girls and boys and their pee parts.

Her journals also reassure me that despite the torment I put her through during some of my teenage years, I was so loved and special to her. Even when I dated jerks, when I stopped going to church, and when my grades slipped further down the alphabet line. Of course I know in my soul that I was always loved and special to her, but seeing the words written down brings an extra comfort.

I think the problem I am having with blogging, is that I always feel like I need to be philosophical in my posts. Come to some climactic epiphany, or have some life lesson spun into my words. I forget that just capturing moments from my life, from my children's life, is what is most important. Even if it's just one line. "It was a great day." My kids will see that and know that on that day, I was happy. Certainly Facebook isn't going to be around forever, and you can be sure my kids aren't going to scroll through it looking at my status updates to gauge how life was. To me, a journal is as important as pictures.

So this is my goal for myself. I will blog. Ideally, once a week. Realistically? Hopefully once a week, or at least whenever something worthwhile (or seemingly mundane) happens. Capturing our life so that if our kids have any doubts of their childhood, or are curious about events, they can look back at my entries and read about it. Family vacations we took before they were old enough to remember, weekend trips to the Zoo. Potty training tales, terrible 2's, first days of school, what we do on a lazy day. Anything. I owe my children that. It's something I cherish from my mother, and I don't want to suddenly be 50 and look back, and regret that my kids don't have my words of wisdom (har har) to carry with them even after I'm gone.

I am 36 weeks pregnant now. I am so excited to bring another precious soul into this world, and to fill this blog with memories of and for her (and her, and him).

Monday, July 23, 2012

Purpose

As I sit here contemplating my place in life, there are four simple answers.

These precious lives that I have been blessed with...this amazing man (and funny, as you can tell) who shares his life and children with me...I thank God every day for them. Whenever I'm unsure about what I'm doing or where I'm at, all I have to do is look at them to be reassured that I am just where I'm meant to be.

I know I can't shield my kids from the world. I wouldn't want to. I always had an awareness of what was going on around me growing up, but my Mother raised me with enough of a shield that I wasn't blasted, but that I also wasn't naive. I pray I can do the same for my kids. I want them to be able to see the evils of the world, and take it in stride. See the beauty beyond the pain. I can still tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing on the day of 9/11. Often times when I hear an airplane overhead, I pause just to listen. Just to make sure. But I still fly. I still look at Muslims with the same respect that I do everyone else. I don't let one group of terrorists take away my spirit, and keep me hidden away from the world. I still wake up every morning thanking God that I'm alive. I pray I can instill that same outlook in my children.

Life is never sure. You could walk out your door and get struck by lightening, hit by a car, shot by a terrorist, or diagnosed with cancer. You could also walk out your door and experience everything beautiful. Smell the fresh air, explore new territory, meet new and amazing people, laugh and play, fall in love. There are so many possibilities in life. So many amazing ones. I hope I can, along with my family, always focus on those, rather than the bad.

"Be the change. Be the good. Be the heart. Be the soul. But most importantly, be the ones who continue forward."

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Slacker

I have this huge to-do list. It was started before I became pregnant, and once I knew baby was on board, my sporadic motivation kicked into high gear. "I'm going to super Spring clean my house, spend all Summer organizing and rearranging, and enjoy the Fall before baby gets here." I was going to do a million activities with the kids, have Nevaeh potty trained and toddler-bed-adapted two months before my due date. I was going to be freaking Super Mom on a whole new level!

And then reality set in. Reality as in, pregnancy. That magical time where my mind is on hyper speed with ideas and quests and must-do's, but my body renders useless. The first trimester? I slept. I am one of those lucky women who never gets morning sickness or any terrible symptom. I had a bit of nausea yes, but all I had to do was nibble on a snack and it was cured. But I am also one of those unlucky women who feels like they're one step away from a coma. I'll be the first to admit, it took all I had to get up with the kids, get them breakfast, and turn on cartoons before dozing off on the couch. I did get out with them; the zoo, Cosi, grocery store (hey, to a kid? That's a trip! Especially when Giant Eagle has those awesome race car carts!) We had out of state friends visit, and then took a camping trip with them the beginning of my second trimester. I definitely stayed active in between naps! (I also swore I'd blog regularly, because I want my kids to have a hard copy record of their childhood, along with all the awesome memories!....But that kind of went down the crapper too, now didn't it? Thank God for Facebook!)

So my list is far from completed. And it doesn't help that I keep adding projects, getting side tracked, deciding to skip housework and head to the Zoo or pool, or just being lazy and playing games with the kiddos all day long. But they are happy, I am happy, all are healthy and growing strong! I still have plenty of time to tackle everything that needs done :-) I'll sign off here with some highlight pictures from the Summer!