Thursday, January 1, 2015

Love You More

Two years ago, my New Years Resolution was to get my body back.

One year ago, I said screw Resolutions and bring on Life Changes...starting with getting my body back.

Today, I'm sitting here heavier than one year ago, and deciding that instead of being unhappy with myself and wanting to change, I'm going to love myself and use that to fuel a healthier life.

My number is 172.6. Exactly 2.6 pounds heavier than I was at 42 weeks pregnant with my first daughter. My back aches worse than it ever has. I'm more tired than I've ever felt. I'm lazier than I care to admit. My mind circles around degrading myself for my shortcomings and trying to be more confident in who I am.

I turned 25 in October and that was a bit of a turning point for me. I am half a century old and while that really is not much at all, I can't say that I'm happy with what I've done with myself. My mind is wiser and my heart is happier, but only in the aspects of family. My family is beautiful and complete, but I don't feel like I am the best version of myself. Not only for them but most importantly for me. For a while I lost who I was, or maybe I was just changing and couldn't figure myself out. Now I am a firm believer in the saying, "I am a great many things." I'm seeing that I don't have to define myself or fit into one character of being. I can feel what I feel and believe what I believe and change my mind whenever I want and still be me.

The point for me is not to lose all this weight and feel sexy and beautiful in my own skin. The point is love myself more in all areas of who I am, and while that does include my body and how it looks, it more importantly includes my frame of mind and state of heart and how I think about myself. How I carry myself in front of my girls who look up to me.

I pray to the Universe that I can uphold this, and not let it fade into Resolutions Past. I do view this as a Life Change and know that I have to hold myself accountable for the decisions I make. While I can be a great many things, I must also be consistent.

When I look back on myself in a year, I want to see a different body. A healthier body, with a healthier person inside of it.

Left thigh: 24"
Right thigh: 24"
Left bicep: 12.5"
Right bicep: 12.5"
Hips: 43.5"
Waist: 38"
Bust: 39.75"