I knew better. I mean, I'd heard so many horror stories and had been given so many words of advice. Yet here I am, confessing the lesson I learned the very hard...very messy...very hard way.
I had to go to Walmart. Chris was out of deoderant and he is a man who NEEDS DEODERANT. I wanted to pick up a few things to make for dinner anyway. I knew my almost 8 month old would be hungry in an hour so I wanted to do it quick and get home before her incessant whines began. I threw some jeans on and a splash of mascara, grabbed the kid and out the door we went. Strapped her into the car, crap, I forgot a bra! Run back into the house and put a bra on underneath my t-shirt, standing at the glass door in front of the whole neighborhood so I could eye the car that held my child. Bolted back out the door, started the car..crap, I forgot her diaper bag. You know what, I'm in the car, it's started, I know Vae is going to be hungry soon and all I'm getting is deoderant and 3 grocery items. It's fine. I had literally just changed her diaper so "that wouldn't be a problem."
Halfway to Walmart I hear a loud noise, followed by a tickled pink chuckle from my daughter. The kid farts like it's her job, and she thinks it's hilarious! It sounded like a nice dry one so I laughed along with her.
We arrive at Walmart, I whisk Vae out of her big girl rear-facing carseat (she now thoroughly loves car rides) and plop her into the shopping cart, not even bothering with the adorable cart cover I'm absolutely in love with. We enter the automatic doors and I laugh at her as we pass under that usually annoying blast of hot/cold air Walmart assumes we all love. Another loud noise and an innocent look from my daughter.
"My goodness, child! You sound like your daddy!"
Deoderant goes in the cart and I half jog across the store to the other end for the grocery department (half jogging because Nevaeh is going to be a race car driver and loves to go fast :-) ). I go to round the corner and...Oh...OH...OHHH MYYY GODD! Something ranks. Like really stinks. I lean closer to Vae. Yyyyyup. Crap. Oh well, it's fine. Like nobody's never smelt a stinky baby before. She usually just pops out little turds anyway so I'm just going to grab the food and get out of here.
Lettuce goes in the cart. Something drips on my toe. Water? I glance down. It's brown. Water is not brown. I move my gaze up. Nevaeh's foot is leaking?? I lift her leg. Something liquidy and brown is dripping out of her pantleg. She crapped her pants. Fantastic! No diaper bag! No tissues stuffed in my purse, no sanitary wipes that I never leave the house without. Then Vae starts realizing she's just pooped herself, and being the very clean diva that she is, that does not appeal to her. I put my hands on her back to settle her down as I run through options in my head. My hands pull away brown. All up her back. Poop. ALL...UP her back! On the cart back and seat, on my toe. POOP!!
I'M IN FREAKING WALMART WITHOUT A FREAKING DIAPER BAG!!
Ok, fix this Mama! You were the one completely stupid enough to think you could possibly make a quick trip without all hell breaking loose. I grab a new outfit, pack of diapers and wipes (of course the baby section is on the other end of Walmart, and the checkout line is back where the groceries are so I had to cross the store twice with a dripping crappy kid screaming at me to wipe her butt). I get to the checkout line and all lanes are full so I stand at the end of one, biting my lip and praying to God in Heaven she doesn't smell as bad as I think. The person ahead of me cocks their head to the side, then glances back at me and down at Vae.
"Oh, you go right ahead, Ma'am." First curteous phrase I have ever heard in this town full of me-first jerks. I move ahead of her. Next person in line sidesteps me, not saying a word but whose face said it all. I moved ahead. Pay for the diapers, wipes and outfit (the deoderant can wait, there's no way my husband smells worse than her). The cashier is a young kid who probably has zero experience with children and this just caps the bottle on his decision to never have kids. I barely hear his words "Do you need a bag?" As I grab the goods and head to the other end of Walmart to the bathrooms (Remind me to write a letter on the layout of this store). Lay her on the changing table and she's flipping out until I hand her my keys.
Clothes come off. What the hell do I do with her clothes? I didn't grab a freaking bag! They go on the ground for now. I strap her down (screaming) and open the diapers and wipes, then realize I just laid a crap covered baby on a changing table so now I need to clean that before I clean her. I pick her up (poop on my shirt) and wipe it off, then systematically wipe her and rewipe the table until all is free of poop. New outfit goes on (the only plus to this Walmart trip), then I set her on my hip and wipe down the shopping cart. Once all is clean I make the sad walk out of the bathroom, grab a bag for the poop covered clothes and on my way out of Walmart, I stop a manager and ashamedly tell her the cart and bathroom changing table probably need sanitized. I strap Vae into her carseat and head home.
When my husband came home later he asked if I had gotten his deoderant.
Tidbits as of today :-)
<3 Nevaeh is 8 months old today! Crazyyyy
<3 Easter was fantastic, I spent it with family which is exactly what I needed so badly.
<3 We have to be out of this house by June 1, so I'm going crazy trying to find a place in Grove City
<3 We're leaving Daytonnnnnn yessss good riddance piece of crap!! (do you like how I threw that crap in there?)
<3 Landmarks: Nevaeh crawls, waves, kisses, stands on one knee and one foot, claps, and eats food like she's a garbage disposal. 17 pounds, I believe 29 inches long. My big girl!!