Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Worst Mother Ever

When Nevaeh was about two weeks old, I held my phone above her to take a picture. I dropped the phone. Luckily it landed on her belly and not her face, but she still cried and I felt like the worst mother ever. I held her and rocked her and I never took another picture from above her again.
When she was a few months old, I made her bottle a little too hot, even though I tested it on my wrist. From then on I made sure the bottle seemed a bit cold instead of a bit warm, and I felt like the worst mother ever.
Sunday, I ran upstairs to get dressed while Landon and Nevaeh played in the living room. In her usual fashion, Nevaeh realized I was gone and took off towards the stairs. The baby gate stopped her of course, but she, again in typical fashion, stood on the step holding onto the gate, shouting “Momma!” Five seconds is all it took for me to grab a shirt, but I heard a thud and then a screaming cry, and assumed she had fallen. This had happened a few times, and I expected to give her kisses and rub her head to check for bumps. Nothing felt out of place, and after a few minutes of snuggles she was fine and eventually fell asleep for her nap. About an hour later she woke up, and I stood her up against the couch. She let out a screech and sat down, and I picked her up to examine her. No bumps, nothing was swollen. But when I put pressure on her left heel, she screamed and dissolved into tears. I assumed she had landed on her foot wrong when she slipped. Maybe a pulled muscle, or bruised heel? I let her favor it for a while, but 2 hours later she was still screaming when pressure was put on it, and I got worried. I took into the ER, fully expecting them to tell me I was silly and she was fine, just another Owie to add to the books.  We waited 3 hours just to see the Doctor, and he ordered an Xray, for which we waited another hour. Even the Doctor said it’d probably be nothing, and he gave her some medicine for the pain. She was smiling and giggling as long as I was holding her or she was sitting down, so I really wasn’t worried. Xrays were done (through which she screamed hysterically and gave the technicians dirty looks) and we waited for the results. Dr. said something looked buckled on her ankle, but again he didn’t seem concerned, so they did another Xray focused in on her ankle. By this point Nevaeh was giving dirty looks to anyone who came near her, because all they did was poke at her leg or hold her down on a table and flash a bright light at her. She was not a happy camper. Dr. came back again and seemed as stunned as me! She has a Torus Fracture on her left ankle, which is basically a bow in her Tibia. She needed a cast. All right, I said. I can deal with that. Few weeks in a pretty purple foot cast would be fine. Nope…not a pretty purple foot cast for a few weeks. 4-6 weeks in a full leg cast. Pretty purple at least, but this thing comes up to her thigh! Her left leg is completely immobile. She is handling it like a pro, shuffling herself along in a gimpy crawl like movement, and she is a determined little thing so she even manages to stand up against things, though she can’t walk of course. She gets frustrated a lot, but she’s doing good.
Me on the other…talk about a Worst Mommy Ever moment L  I was fine the whole 7 hours in the ER. Maybe because I was keeping it together for her, I don’t know. I didn’t really feel upset, more just bummed. When we got home though, our friends came over with their two girls, and Nevaeh tried to play with them but couldn’t get around so kept crying. I absolutely lost it. I went upstairs and bawled my eyes out. My heart is just broken for this poor little girl! She is 1 year old, her prime time to be running around. She zips around faster than any child I’ve seen, and now she gimps a few feet and sits like it’s not worth the effort. She made me feel a little better today, because she still dances and she has pulled herself up to stand against things.
I can’t protect her from everything. Accidents will happen no matter how vigilant I am, but that doesn’t mean I won’t feel horrible when they do. I wouldn’t be the loving mother I am if I didn’t! I am taking this “Opportunity” to be more active with her, with things that don’t require a bunch of movement. I’ve got several Baby Laptimes planned at various local libraries, trips to a few different parks where I’ll swing her until she’s dizzy with laughter, probably a Zoo Day. Good excuse for me to snuggle her even more! Chris is working thirds the next few days so Vae gets to share our big ole bed with me J and while she will now be considered a “Late Walker” that’s ok. She was taking 3-4 steps out from things and walking amazingly with assistance, so I have no doubt that when this cast comes off she’ll take off running!
There will be many more times where I feel like the Worst Mother Ever, and I’ll blame myself for boo boo’s or mistakes she makes. But we’ll get through it, our bond will be tighter because of it, and we’ll be stronger and encouraged to truly get through anything! For now, Vae is rockin’ her purple cast.

I can't wait to see your beautiful self dancing like this again!


  1. awwww, Bethany! I will be praying for that ankle to heal up fast! You are a FANTASTIC mother who loves her little girl more than anything. I know you know it's not your fault, accidents and boo boo's happen, but just keep your chin up, keep her chin up, snuggle and love on her and continue to look on the bright side of things during a difficult time for both of you. And remember, it could have been worse! Love you, girl and I am proud of you :)

  2. aww you seem like a great mother! Don't beat yourself up about it... kids will be kids and that is how they learn right from wrong. It has to be hard to see your child in pain though... She will be in my prayers for quick healing!