Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Beauty is the eyes of the beholder

Sometimes when I put my daughter down for a nap with that excitement that I can finally get things done around the house...I find myself transfixed by her. I lay down with her and just absorb her beauty, that utterly helpless, completely devoted love that pours from every fiber of my being into her tiny frame. While I am stunned by the amount of love I hold for her, I am equally amazed that she doesn't fall over thinking "WOW, My mommy really loves me!" I breathe in the natural scent of her flowy hair, memorize the curve of her eyebrows and smirk at the dirt that seems permanently etched in her crawling knees. I now know the culprit behind all those eyerolls my teenage self gave my mother every time she told me I just didn't understand. How could I possibly understand what she was talking about when I wasn't a mother myself? I love my mother more than life itself but it's a completely different emotion compared to the love I have for my daughter.
I can't wait to tell her she just doesn't understand <3

Today I am kicking my ass. Ever since Nevaeh was born and I recovered from the seemingly unbearable aches of childbirth, I kept saying I was going to get back in shape. Eat right, exercise, be completely healthy like I was my entire pregnancy (Nevaeh made me crave health foods thank God...unfortunately, post baby Bethany does not). That determination would last a week tops. I'd be all gung ho, make a grocery trip and load up on veggies and fruits and new socks to allow my feet to breathe better in my tennis shoes. And then a slice of pizza would appear. And while I still even now eat relatively healthy, there is a lot of junk sneaking in. I am drinking entirely too much Mountain Dew, my body seems to depend on it because I didn't drink any yesterday and I was going insane! I eat turkey burgers instead of the super greasy ones but then I load on the cheese and mayo. I need to kick it up a notch. Hell, getting rid of my daily pop intake will probably help me drop 10 pounds alone!

So I'm getting tough. I'm putting myself out there and while I ultimately hold myself responsible, I am asking those close to me to hold me accountable as well. My husband, my sister, a few friends. Snap at me if you catch me being horrible! Get on me to take at the very least, a daily walk or swim with Nevaeh (Or use the Kinect during days like this week where there is a heat advisory and I myself can barely stand the humidity, let alone take her out in it). I need to get myself active every single day. No more than one pop a day, and hopefully I can get that down to either no pop or very very limited pop. More fruits and veggies. I love them, they're delicious, so there should be no reason why I don't consume more of them!

Now the biggest kick in my butt...really putting myself out there. Making my embarrasment known so I am forced to do something about it. When I first got pregnant I was 150lbs, very slender and had a flat stomach and perfect boobs and a nice curvy butt. I have thicker bones and my big booty will never go away, it's genetic, but pre-baby I carried everything in the right places. I gained 20lbs during my pregnancy which is ideal and I gained it all in the right places. Post baby however, it all re-adjusted itself. Too much booty, no more boobs, leftover belly that is totally not cute when there's no kicking fetus behind it.

I now weigh (runs to scale) 162lbs *gag*

The number is not what makes me embarrassed. I hate the way the weight is laying. I am still pretty slender everywhere except my butt and belly, and the way it sits on my belly makes me look like I'm 4-5 months pregnant. I feel beautiful because I am a mother and this is an ok "price to pay" to have my daughter here, but I am not happy. I want that confidence back. I want to pull on a pair of jeans that don't look ginormous on the rack which in turn makes me feel ginormous when they fit. I want to wear my blue bikini instead of the purple post-baby suit I bought to hide the pudge. I want to wear form fitting clothes out in public without holding my breath, waiting for someone to ask me when I'm due. I want another child in a couple years but until then I want to look like a hot Mama, like a sexy wife, like a healthy confident woman completely comfortable in her own skin!

I am going to keep a daily log. Not really tracking every morsel that goes in my mouth, but at least logging that I did in fact in healthy foods and if I did intake junk, it was not an excessive amount. I will record the exercise that I did, and every month I will weigh myself. Only once a month, because again the number on the scale does not matter. The confidence I feel when I look in the mirror is what matters.

Starting now! Tonight for dinner I am having grilled chicken with potato chunks and broccoli. Water to drink. Power cleaning my house and the kinect tonight for exercise.

Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder


  1. great blog! what you said about your daughter made me tear up! You described your feelings perfectly! I can't wait to feel that because it is just building up inside me. I already just cry feeling him kick!

    Also, you are beautiful!Make your goal to be healthy and change your eating habits. I have never known any "diets" to work long term but I know once you change your thinking of food it's totally different. I know when I told myself I was going to "diet" i gained more weight lol

  2. Thank you Aubrey! It really is an indescribable feeling...my blog doesn't do it justice at all! I can't wait for you to get that feeling :-)

    I am definitely doing a complete change to my eating habits. I don't like diets, they make me want food even more! I like to do 6 small meals a day instead of big ones, so I just need to make those better, put more fruits and veggies in there. It'll be easy hopefully because my daughter has never been on baby food, I make all of her food so she can just eat what I eat! More motivation there haha

  3. She'll NEVER understand until she's a mommy herself! :)