Sometimes when I put my daughter down for a nap with that excitement that I can finally get things done around the house...I find myself transfixed by her. I lay down with her and just absorb her beauty, that utterly helpless, completely devoted love that pours from every fiber of my being into her tiny frame. While I am stunned by the amount of love I hold for her, I am equally amazed that she doesn't fall over thinking "WOW, My mommy really loves me!" I breathe in the natural scent of her flowy hair, memorize the curve of her eyebrows and smirk at the dirt that seems permanently etched in her crawling knees. I now know the culprit behind all those eyerolls my teenage self gave my mother every time she told me I just didn't understand. How could I possibly understand what she was talking about when I wasn't a mother myself? I love my mother more than life itself but it's a completely different emotion compared to the love I have for my daughter.
Today I am kicking my ass. Ever since Nevaeh was born and I recovered from the seemingly unbearable aches of childbirth, I kept saying I was going to get back in shape. Eat right, exercise, be completely healthy like I was my entire pregnancy (Nevaeh made me crave health foods thank God...unfortunately, post baby Bethany does not). That determination would last a week tops. I'd be all gung ho, make a grocery trip and load up on veggies and fruits and new socks to allow my feet to breathe better in my tennis shoes. And then a slice of pizza would appear. And while I still even now eat relatively healthy, there is a lot of junk sneaking in. I am drinking entirely too much Mountain Dew, my body seems to depend on it because I didn't drink any yesterday and I was going insane! I eat turkey burgers instead of the super greasy ones but then I load on the cheese and mayo. I need to kick it up a notch. Hell, getting rid of my daily pop intake will probably help me drop 10 pounds alone!
So I'm getting tough. I'm putting myself out there and while I ultimately hold myself responsible, I am asking those close to me to hold me accountable as well. My husband, my sister, a few friends. Snap at me if you catch me being horrible! Get on me to take at the very least, a daily walk or swim with Nevaeh (Or use the Kinect during days like this week where there is a heat advisory and I myself can barely stand the humidity, let alone take her out in it). I need to get myself active every single day. No more than one pop a day, and hopefully I can get that down to either no pop or very very limited pop. More fruits and veggies. I love them, they're delicious, so there should be no reason why I don't consume more of them!
Now the biggest kick in my butt...really putting myself out there. Making my embarrasment known so I am forced to do something about it. When I first got pregnant I was 150lbs, very slender and had a flat stomach and perfect boobs and a nice curvy butt. I have thicker bones and my big booty will never go away, it's genetic, but pre-baby I carried everything in the right places. I gained 20lbs during my pregnancy which is ideal and I gained it all in the right places. Post baby however, it all re-adjusted itself. Too much booty, no more boobs, leftover belly that is totally not cute when there's no kicking fetus behind it.
I now weigh (runs to scale) 162lbs *gag*
The number is not what makes me embarrassed. I hate the way the weight is laying. I am still pretty slender everywhere except my butt and belly, and the way it sits on my belly makes me look like I'm 4-5 months pregnant. I feel beautiful because I am a mother and this is an ok "price to pay" to have my daughter here, but I am not happy. I want that confidence back. I want to pull on a pair of jeans that don't look ginormous on the rack which in turn makes me feel ginormous when they fit. I want to wear my blue bikini instead of the purple post-baby suit I bought to hide the pudge. I want to wear form fitting clothes out in public without holding my breath, waiting for someone to ask me when I'm due. I want another child in a couple years but until then I want to look like a hot Mama, like a sexy wife, like a healthy confident woman completely comfortable in her own skin!
I am going to keep a daily log. Not really tracking every morsel that goes in my mouth, but at least logging that I did in fact in healthy foods and if I did intake junk, it was not an excessive amount. I will record the exercise that I did, and every month I will weigh myself. Only once a month, because again the number on the scale does not matter. The confidence I feel when I look in the mirror is what matters.
Starting now! Tonight for dinner I am having grilled chicken with potato chunks and broccoli. Water to drink. Power cleaning my house and the kinect tonight for exercise.
Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder