Saturday, July 2, 2011

Independence Day

Oh no, not the Fourth of July, my friends. Today is July 2nd and it is an Independence celebration day for my 10 month old, who has decided that she can now walk with the push walker!

She never ceases to amaze me <3 We had a cookout with a couple today, Chris works with Cris, and I made friends with his girlfriend Kim, and Nevaeh made friends with their new sweet precious 4 week old baby girl Hannah. Such a little Momma! She was very curious about this teeny little person and amazingly, was very gentle! She pet her foot and while she did sort of poke her eye a little, I could see that she was being cautious and it was simply a motor skill slip that put her thumb in Hannah's eye :-) Made me feel a little better because Nevaeh was into all the tons of baby dolls and let me tell you what....she'd give each baby doll the sweetest biggest hug ever, and then toss them aside like yesterday's underwear! But she knew to put the bottle in the baby doll's mouths, then would "tease them" and put it in her mouth. Silly girl!! She's going to make an amazing big sister someday and a beautiful mother a long-aways-someday.

Independence Day has also spread to another self-empowering woman.

I am reclaiming myself. I am bringing back the body I was so confident in, the spirit that shined so brightly. I am finely seeing the light past this funk I have been sitting in for the past year or so. I feel better about myself, I feel better about where I am at in life. Nobody tells you how hard becoming a mother can be. They gush about the rewards and the undeniable, unexplainable love. But they don't tell you that it is so easy to lose yourself, to forget that you are so much more than Mommymommymommymommy. I suppose it wouldn't do any good even if they did tell you. I was so conflicted, because while I held my precious daughter in my arms and thanked God that I was blessed with her beautiful presence, I cried inside and out because I could not remember who I was, I felt myself slipping into a role I knew nothing about, and I was terrified. I felt I had no one to turn to, because I would normally turn to my mom and she would make it all better and explain everything. I had to figure it out on my own. I had so many inviting hands stretched out but I knew if I couldn't lean on my mother, then I had to lean on myself. I had to allow myself to sit in the depression and think the thoughts that I had. Not once were any ill thoughts towards my daughter, so post-partum didn't cross my mind. But then I realized that having post partum depression did not mean you were having ill thoughts on being a mother, or hatred towards your child. Post partum depression can be a plethora of things, including losing yourself and diving headfirst into a world you thought you were prepared for, but in fact you had no clue what you were doing. Wondering when the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness would pass and you would finally be able to just fully enjoy and embrace being the new person that you are. I was totally content with the life I was handed and yet a part of me was rejecting it because everything happened so fast. Mom's death, pregnancy, marriage, baby, two moves, work and school then abruptly no work or school, just sitting at home day in and day out with no one but a very needy infant who couldn't offer any conversation in return except babbles that meant "It's all about me, Mom." It took me until recently to finally work through that, and more recently to admit that first to my husband, then a close friend, and now on here where I want to remember this. I want to explain to my daughter the feelings I had, the journey I traveled, and tell her that she will likely travel the same sort of road. Parenthood is not easy, no matter how much of a breeze it is. Nevaeh is the simplest baby in the world, so happy and bright and straight forward and beautiful. What can happen to any mother has almost nothing to do with the baby him/herself, but with the new emotions and the vast change of direction for your own life. Settling into the new role and realizing what all it meant, and finding a way to keep who you were before present in your life. Holding on to your sense of self.

I have regained Me. And it is so sweet, and satisfying, and  releasing.

Happy Independence Day!

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